3rd Annual Revolver Golden Awards. Heavy With Product Placement. Light on Nominees I Care About

It's that time of year again kiddies when Revolver puts together it's award show exclusively for metalheads and rockers. A long haired Image Awards if you will. This year the endorsement cup overfloweth with the categories reading like a college football bowl game. Conspicuously gone this time though is the douchey hottest chick in metal category which is a plus. And it's still painfully obvious that this is a readers poll based on the nominees as you will soon see. So once again let's take a look at the nominees and my overly critical comments after the jump.

Golden God Award:
This year it goes to Alice Cooper. Good for him on receiving this award and being nominated for induction in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Personally this is slightly more prestigious in my book but whatever it's a good year for Alice.

Epiphone Best Guitarist(s)

* John 5 (ROB ZOMBIE)
* Dan Donegan (DISTURBED)
* Gus G. (OZZY OSBOURNE, FIREWIND)
* Synyster Gates and Zacky Vengeance (AVENGED SEVENFOLD)
* Janick Gers, Dave Murray, and Adrian Smith (IRON MAIDEN)
* Alexi Laiho (CHILDREN OF BODOM)

You have one guy with a numerical last name, one guy who has a letter for a last name because he's Greek and his last name is probably 12 letters long ending in 'opoulos', two guys with Nicktoon cartoon names, a douche even douchier then the two Nicktoons guys and who's new album isn't even out yet, and three guitarists from a legendary band when clearly only two is needed.This is a tough call.I'm going with Jeff Loomis.

Drum Workshop Best Drummer

* Tommy Clufetos (OZZY OSBOURNE)
* Abe Cunningham (DEFTONES)
* Joey Jordison (ROB ZOMBIE)
* Roy Mayorga (STONE SOUR)
* Nicko McBrain (IRON MAIDEN)
* Mike Portnoy (Ex-DREAM THEATER, AVENGED SEVENFOLD)

Give it to Nicko. His acceptance speech should be fun. Or give it to Portnoy. His thank you's should be entertaining. "I'd like to thank all the bands I was with even though they don't want me back *sob*"

Best Vocalist

* Glenn Danzig (DANZIG)
* Bruce Dickinson (IRON MAIDEN)
* Chino Moreno (DEFTONES)
* Ozzy Osbourne (OZZY OSBOURNE)
* M. Shadows (AVENGED SEVENFOLD)
* Corey Taylor (STONE SOUR)

Now this is just fucking wrong. Danzig still sings like Elvis Morrison. Bruce Dickinson can't sing like he used too. I can't stand Chino. Ozzy never could song. M. Shadows can't figure out that he's impersonating Hetfield half the time. And Corey Taylor who can sing but his songs suck. I'm going with Warrel Dane.

Affliction Album of the Year

* AVENGED SEVENFOLD, "Nightmare"
* BLACK LABEL SOCIETY, "Order of the Black"
* DEFTONES, "Diamond Eyes"
* OZZY OSBOURNE, "Scream"
* STONE SOUR, "Audio Secrecy"
* VOLBEAT, "Beyond Hell/Above Heaven"

That has to be honestly the worst list of Best Albums I've ever seen in my life for one genre. Not because the albums were bad but because so many better albums got overlooked for this shit. Revolver is dumb. Except for the people that voted for Volbeat.

Samson Zoom Best Live Band

* AVENGED SEVENFOLD
* GWAR
* IRON MAIDEN
* MEGADETH
* RAMMSTEIN
* SEVENDUST

Iron Maiden should win this. I would not be surprised if Rammstein or Gwar does though. Because props are there to entertain children.

Most Metal Athlete

* Chris Cole (pro skateboarding)
* Dan Hardy (MMA fighting)
* Toni Lydman (NHL)
* The Miz (WWE wrestling)
* Jeremy Shockey (NFL football)
* Mike Vallely (pro skateboarding)

My cock should win this.

Best New Band

* ASKING ALEXANDRIA
* BLACK VEIL BRIDES
* THE DAMNED THINGS
* THE PRETTY RECKLESS
* TIMES OF GRACE
* WE ARE THE FALLEN

You see that shitfest? That's the future of heavy music ladies and gentlemen according to Revolver. I vote for Barren Earth or Holy Grail.

Eagle Rock Comeback of the Year

* ACCEPT
* FAITH NO MORE
* MURDERDOLLS
* A PERFECT CIRCLE
* SOUNDGARDEN
* SYSTEM OF A DOWN

The only legitimate contender in this whole category is Accept. They were gone for 15 years, returned or CAME BACK and recorded a new album with a new singer to rave reviews and are on a massive world tour.No one else on this list even comes close to accomplishing as much. Hiatus's and potential reunion tours can kiss my ass.

So there you go, another year of us having our own awards show and it's just as insipid as can be expected until bloggers can actually start having a say in this matter. And the times coming. What's the readership like for magazines now? Regardless, weigh in on the comments on what you think of all of this.