Tuesday, December 28, 2010

My Responses to Cracked's Old School Heavy Metal Fans article


While taking my daily trip through Stumblr's randomized metal related posts I came across Cracked's Article Old School Heavy Metal Fans. I read the list of 101 ways you can tell you've been a metal fan too long, and as someone who will be 41 in a few weeks I have to say I disagree with most. So for fun let's compare notes shall we? Feel free to compare my answers to the article after the jump.

1. I only have about 20 thank you very much and it's usually what's on top or the least worn out.
2. No because I have enough sense to not wear such things around my family. They annoy me enough as it is without drawing undo attention to what I wear.
3. Both, because I'm not an unpatriotic nimrod that forgets my own national anthem.
4. I only like a few Kiss albums and have never wanted to see them live. Well that's not true I kind of do, but I'm not paying 200 dollars or more to do so.They're not that good.
5. No my wife has never been a big metalhead. I think she likes a total of 5 metal albums and even half of those are suspect.
6. I knew Bon Scott wasn't the original but I don't recall the first guys name.Bon Scott was the best though.
7. Actually this is referring to hair metal and its not even metal and even in 1987 I thought those guys were fags.
8. Yes because Robert Plant is very assuring that way.
9. I've known about both of these terrible genres for awhile now. I have high hopes that screamo will die out this year.
10. This is actually partly true. I thought Ozzy was awesome for the shit he did and the great music but then yeah, MTV had to go and shit all over the legacy that has never recovered.

11. I can think of 5 and I have been to the Sunset Strip. I live less then 600 miles from L.A. incidentally.
12. Really? This article falls into the trap too often of not knowing what real metal and cock rock/classic rock is. Little Runaway is still a pop rock song.
13. I remember the announcement and saying 'ya fucking think'? Anybody in 1984 that didn't correlate the dude from Village People's look to Rob Halford's look was an idiot.
14. See # 13.
15. I have gotten into those arguments. And Led Zeppelin isn't.They were an inspiration but have always at the core been a blues rock band.
16. No. Because I'm not a douche.
17. Again no. I wasn't into the glam poser scene.No one up here was. that was only in L.A.
18. Actually my kids are into video games. My wife is the worst influence due to her incessant need to show them horror movies.
19. It depends on what band is on their shirt. If it's obscure and I like it I will. Otherwise who gives a fuck if someone is wearing an Iron Maiden shirt?
20. Yes. That has happened. In a grocery store.
21. No because I have short hair as do most of the people that I know are metalheads. In fact I've tried to grow my hair long and hair that looks like whitecaps on the ocean needs to be kept short.
22. Nope.My friends have other ways of being embarassing least of all wearing spandex pants.
23. I would not be surprised by this actually. Is it ok? Sure, just don't act like a bitch if I mock you for it.
24. Yes. I will agree to this. Though he is an accountant but doesn't dress like it at shows.
25. Nope. I was made to cut my hair after high school and was allowed to grow it long while working in a warehouse.
26. Blue denim, black shirts, and other neutral color shirts. Come on , some variety is in order.
27. No. Now you're just being silly.
28. Eddie Van Halen hasn't been relevant in 25 years.
29. Absolutely. Because they are.
30. This is also true. In fact you have to reference the song Zero the Hero to jumpstart the memory banks of that *cough era *cough.
31. Um. I never give her a reason to be sick of me saying that because, I really don't. Even though it is.
32. Actually those came down when I started having girls over at my parents house. You have to prioritize your life sometime.
33. Yes my garage is full. But its all useless bullshit from 15 years of marriage. I think my wife kept her RIP magazines though.
34. Again no. My garage door is in danger of crushing someones skull from falling apart so the car would never fit in there anyways.
35. Enough with the magazines. Look I used to buy Hit Parader and Circus but once they were read they got thrown out.
36. Yes. This is true. And I'm still getting flashbacks from the 70's.
37. Actually I laughed at the first part because it was so contrived but yes the second part did suck.
38. Yeah it's a nice song but going back to this clip, what a crappy fucking movie this was.

39. Yes. Very true. Nothing like having your belly fat be pinched by a belt buckle.
40. I agree on the opinion of Gene and I have never spent a dime on Kiss Krap.
41. Actually I always suspected he was gay.
42. No I think we all pretty much agree it was the Black album. It just took longer to come to that conclusion instead of it being Load.
43. Actually I thought it painted a shitty picture of the scene at the time. Too much glam and then when it got to something cool he was piss drunk in the middle of a pool being a complete asshole.

44. For the most part.
45. I really should get on that.
46. Absolutely. Any dickhead can strum a guitar of any sort. It takes real talent to strike multiple notes with your fingers.
47. No. I could care less. That's being to particular about a band.
48. No. I did grow up after high school.
49. Yes. I will agree to that. The fact my parents let me go to a metal show at 16 was probably one of the coolest things they've ever done.
50. Nope. I really don't want to hang with my co workers because they're all nerds anyway.
51. No they just say "You're old" ....alot. It makes for a great excuse when I say I don't like shit like Whitechapel or Attack! Attack!.
52. I suck. I have no tattoos. Because I know 10 years from now I'd want to remove it.
53. I need to finally take them to their first one actually.
54. See 53.
55. No but I did have a goatee that someone commented looked like a hairy pussy.
56. God yes. Now there are bitch fights about the 100 subgenres.
57. No. I'm not THAT old.
58. Yes. And some still do though the growls are predominant these days.
59. I used to know about 20 intro riffs but yes i was excited to learn the whole Am I Evil song. Then forgot it years later.
60. Also true.
61. Apparently I got rid of it years ago and forgot that I had. But yes, it would probably fit like a glove....around my elbows.
62. Wasp states its whatever you want it to mean. The We Are Sexual Perverts was probably the same fans that thought Kiss meant Knights in Satan's Service.
63. I haven't got that fat yet. But it is a one pack.
64. 2 days tops. 4 days means the band was overcompensating for something.
65. Well duh...that could be said of kids nowadays too.
66. I don't remember. Maybe?
67. Four words. Iommi. Van Halen. Dimebag. Loomis.
68. No and yes.
69. When I was 15.Now it's based off of their mp3 collection. Get with the times or get left out ...man.
70. I could go with that theory. Though people overly tattooed are douchebag scene kids.Just ask Bring Me the horizon.
71. Nope. My wife would kill me.
72. Again no. I would literally be dead.
73. That just screams "I'm a redneck actually".
74. Oh god yes. Linear fans are the most fun to pick on.
75. This is probably true. Though I do love the hybrid forms of metal to come out of those regions.
76. Yeah, not one of those guys perpetually stuck in 1982.
77. Absolutely. Even if you disagree Lemmy tells you like it is.
78. No, but they do make Lemmy cool.
79. Yes because VH1 is owned by MTV who are full of fucking idiots that get their research from Rolling Stone magazine.
80. Well yes. Because if the documentary is any good it will explain why Clapton is there.
81. No I'm embarassed I thought the members were all girls and one of them was hot. My wife has the actually cassettes.
82. Well yeah because seriously...there was some embarrassing shit to come out of the decade.
83. Nope. I was a cassette kid.
84. See 83. Replaced cassettes with cd's.
85. Not really. I've got gray around the fringe but still hair on top and it was always cool that old guys dug the metals.
86. I lie awake....actually no, I don't give Dave Mustaine much thought.
87. I remember the first time I heard Mercyful Fate and it scared the shit out of me.
88. The song Black Sabbath was pretty creepy in the intro.
89. No. there is something wrong with someone who does that.
90. I actually thought it was kind of cool.
91. They did?!?! Oh no!
92. No. They've sucked forever.
93. That could be true.
94. Shit, my mom sewed my only patch on.
95. Back to hair are we? My hair has been short for a long time.
96. Yes. the date is very important and location because I really don't have the patience of being in a club for hours sweating and smelling farts just to drive all the way back to get up for work after 6 hours. So it damn well better be on a night when I'm off the next day.
97. Nope, I still remember the Motley Crue show though the buzz wore off by the time we got inside to watch the show. I remember it all.
98. Yeah no. I've been to some stinkers and mehfests.
99. I'm pretty good at acting like I understand what they're saying but no I've never had to do anything for random people.
100. The first one. I'm too much of a puss for the second one.
101. Hell yes. Welcome Home Sanitarium is still new to me!

So there we have it. Holy crap that was long. So this is either a telling sign that I'm not old enough, I'm too much of a nerd, or I'm not a single braincell rocker. You decide. And thanks Cracked for inspiring a pointless long post by me.

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