Steel Panther? Seriously? Yes!

When you think of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal what usually comes to mind; Bruce Dickenson standing tall on stage belting out line after line with his powerful voice? Kirk Hammett shredding through his massive solos from Master of Puppets? Bands on stage, rocking out and twirling around their hair in Olympic-synchronized perfection? How about men in ripped spandex and studded leather, head-banging with wigs on while they play tunes reminiscent of the good old days of rock and roll? What's this, you ask? That's Steel Panther!



Are you serious? Yes I am.


I've been a fan of Steel Panther ever since I downloaded a free video from iTunes: Death to All but Metal. This video eyegasm had it all; hot, scantily clad teenagers, an oppressive educational system with nothing better to do than keep metal away from the hands of the everyday teenage rocker, a lonely boy; calling out for his heroes to school that dumb bitch and, of course, Steel Panther - clad in clothes they must have raided from Vince Neil's garage sale, faces caked with makeup.

They're out to stick it to the man, and they do, in Steel Panther fashion; even brining down the wrath of Principal Hardazz (Sarah Silverman). By the end of the video we all learn through the power of metal that slutty chicks are awesome and the Goo Goo Dolls can suck our balls.

Throughout the entire album, there's throwbacks to the days where Metal was king of the airwaves and MTV and you couldn't go a minute without hearing something from Warrant, Dokken, Slaughter and their ilk. This CD, Feel The Steel, takes you back in time, pays homage to those amazing songs and sexually assaults them at the same time.

Here's a breakdown of their entire album, Feel the Steel, with my thoughts on each track:

01. Death to All But Metal.

You have to hand it to Steel Panther, they have a LOT of celebrity friends. Proof of that is even apparent on their CD. Corey Taylor (of Slipnot, Stone Sour) adds his guest vocals, though admittedly I didn't know he was on there until I read about it. Either way, this anthem to all that's awesome in life (Metal Music) calls for their fans to rise up and take a stand against "butt Metal" and takes jabs at the music industry at the same time. It's one of my favourite songs on the album, though their opinions that being gay is a bad thing is very apparent as they call out, by name, a lot of popular musicians today and blast them with gay jokes.
8 out of 10

02. Asian Hooker

I should have warned you all earlier, that if you're easily offended or have impressionable kids in the house; this album is not for you. As you can guess by the title, Asian Hooker is just 4 minutes of accentuating the stereotypes of the Asian community and glorifying sex. That being said, this song kicks ass. It's got a great riff in it, the lyrics are clever and if the little (japanese sounding ditty) doesn't make you laugh the first time you hear it, there's something wrong with you. Corey Taylor (see above) & Scott Ian of Anthrax fame) join in and help to make this one of the better songs on Feel the Steel.
8 out of 10

03. Community Property

I have to say, without a doubt, this is the best song on the CD and my personal fav. It's teeming with the musical styles of Warrant/Whitesnake/Poison and the like. If you weren't paying attention to the lyrics, you could easily slip this onto Monster Ballads, and no one would know. The music is spectacular, and the guitar riffs, though standard 80'sesque metal, takes you back to the good old days when cock rock ruled MTV. If you WERE paying attention to the lyrics, you'd hear gems like "I'd kiss your mouth, even after you swallowed my load" and "if suddenly you were a guy, I'd be suddenly gay". It's laughable content mixed in with solid metal ballad music.
10 out of 10


04. Eyes Of A Panther

I guess it goes without saying, that if there's a definite fav for me, there's a definite un-fav too. This one is it. I really dislike this song and always skip past it to much better songs when I listen to the cd. It's basically one of those songs you'd find on any other rock/metal cd in the 80's. It's just a filler as far as I'm concerned and I think the lack of funny content really hurts it for me as well. Some people will like this and I'm not saying you're wrong for liking it; it's just not for me.
3 out of 10

05. Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)

You can definitely say that the funny is back in full force with this little ditty. It evokes a sense of 80's metal, much like Community Property did. This is another solid song with a great riff, great harmonizing (on the woah-woah's) and the harmonizing on the guitar solo. One of the better songs on the cd, and the video is hilarious too).
9 out of 10

06. Eatin' Ain't Cheatin'

Here's another track that definitely pulls from the essence of metal in the good old days. This one, like Community Property, deals with the lure of groupie tang that's available to the metal gods on the road, but it's not as clever as the previous. Instead it takes the low road and just tries to be vulgar for the sake of being vulgar. Still, really good music and no real complaints to be had. It's just not as stellar as some of the previous tracks.
6 out of 10

07. Party All Day (Fuck All Night)

You hear the first minute and you'd swear it was a Bon Jovi song you've never heard before, but when does Jon talk about getting VD??? Justin Hawkins (of The Darkness) lends a hand here and does a great job with a little bit of solo singing and harmonizing with Michael Starr). Fuck all night and party all day? Indeed.
7 out of 10

08. Turn Out the Lights

Speaking of vulgar, this one takes the cake. You'd never know it, but M. Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold) joins in on this crude song about doing things most of us have done at one time or another in our lives, especially when alcohol is involved. I guess this song serves no real purpose other than to bring to light that even rock stars have bumped uglies with Sasquatch at least once in their lives. It's a decent song, but again, nothing spectacular, and I don't hear as many 80's influences as I have in other songs. This one's much like Eatin' in that it's not a great song, but more modern that the others.
6 out of 10

09. Stripper Girl

If Mötley Crüe and Warrant had drunken sex, 9 months later you'd have this song. There's some really funny lines in this song, and the guitar riffs are really great campfire-style chords. Even though most of their songs are about doing drugs and banging chicks, it doesn't get old; especially with this one. One of the better ones.
8 out of 10

10. The Shocker

Some bands tried to start dance crazes with songs like "The Locomotion" and the "Macarena". This song is trying to start a sexual revolution. Apparently, if you've had a lot of sex and you're having trouble getting a boner, don't take Viagra - try "The Shocker". I'm not going to ruin the surprise for you, but I'm sure you can guess what the Shocker is, if you've heard the reference before. Again, if you're easily offended or would rather NOT have a birds and bees talk with your kids trying to explain this, then give it a pass. It's a great song with a catchy tune, though I wouldn't suggest singing this at work while you walk down the halls - unless you want a sexual harassment complaint. :)
9 out of 10


11. Girl From Oklahoma
This is another favourite song of mine. Any time there's ball sucking mentioned, I'm an instant fan. When you hear this song, you'll hear a great bluesy riff on this acoustic classic and it's another catchy tune; finger snapping is mandatory. They DO mention VD again, I'm kinda starting to wonder if it's a cry for help or not... Either way, Extreme and Mr. Big comes to mind when I hear this song and this is one of Satchel's better guitar solos, where his talent really shines through.
10 out of 10

Here's track 1; Death to all But Meal (featuring Sarah Silverman as Principal Hardazz)



And here's all the perfection that is Community Property. Get out your lighters!