Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Vampires Everywhere Bio is the Just as Vapid And Pretentious As You'd Expect.

I honestly forget how the subject of the horrible band Vampires Everywhere! got brought up in the first place and at this point I really don't care. What does stand out, and I'm overdue for this, is the bio these twats have for themselves.Well I should say the bio of the band as envisioned by the master of doucheness Michael 'Vampire' himself. Journey with me if you dare into probably one of the worst bios ever written that I know of. With commentary of course after the jump.

Vampires Everywhere! … This story is set in Los Angeles, Calif., circa 2009. The night hit the windows with the fervor of a tormented 6-year-old faced with the idea of sharing his prized, new gift.

Wow I can just imagine the depth of the lyrics in your songs. What the fuck are you even talking about? How does the night hit anything much less like a child throwing a temper tantrum?

It was probably seventy degrees outside, and yet the house was frozen. I was entertaining several murderous ideas that were swimming around my mind and my brain was certainly feeling the brunt of that strain.

What does your climate controlled deficiencies have to do with anything? Oh that's right you're a VAMPIRE! Pro tip. I hear insulation works great. I'm sure your brain was strained from the effort of creativity as evidenced in this gripping tale thus far.

I attempted to clear my thoughts and focus on something that gave way to a crooked smile on my face. A smile I hadn’t seen since my youth, compelled by our generation’s explanation of our condition, set to sound: motion pictures.

You know, I usually don't let movies explain the world to me. I actually like to go out from time to time and experience it for myself. And what the fuck could you be so sad and angsty about that you couldn't smile for 10 years?

One feature, in particular, has haunted me since I was of age to pronounce blood: “The Lost Boys.” Like the characters, I have also always considered myself lost and trapped within a world that only embraces its own. This movie embodies everything I stand for: anarchy, vampires, youth, love & revenge.

All while sitting in your cold house being an unproductive and useless member of society. The Lost Boys? Really? Funny how in 2009 Twilight was in full effect. Way to be different. News flash,genius,the Lost Boys was not that deep.

Since revenge fueled and fulfilled me, this movie fit like a glove and I began to drift off to a place comprised with everything that made me happy and pure.

Revenge for what you fucking tool!?! And since when was the Lost Boys considered a cathartic vehicle for lazy shits sitting in a cold house because they're too busy jerking off to turn on the heater?

I was a step closer to discovering myself, my purpose.

Getting a job was out of the question huh?

In order to bridge such a beautiful gap, I was forced out into creation to find those damned souls, like me, who found pieces of themselves in misery, loathing and self-destruction. My own coven of darkness.

Yeah, that's what most people do. They go out and find people that share the same interests as you. In this case even more dead ass kids that would rather play video games and tweet then actually do something with their lives.

These individuals embraced their potential insanity, and we found comfort in one another’s uncertainty.

Oh my god, we're out in the real world and we're useless. What do we do now, Michael?!?!? What do we do!?!?!?

The Los Angeles lost souls, Aaron Graves and Zak Night, brought their free spirits and aggressive musical style into my new coven.

So you're witches now? Come on man get it together, you're crossing horror genres.

They created the background of sound that fueled the fire within me. J Killa, unfulfilled by Pittsburgh blood, joined my army, bringing his venomous keyboard tones and synth-driven vocals that proved to be the amplification our brotherhood needed.

Excuse me for asking, but since when did keyboards also become amps? And this is who we blame for autotune. Cool. Because you know, with autotune even if you're talking or sound like you have a dick in your mouth autotune makes you sound awesome!

He provided the coveted pop I thirsted for in my destruction. Alex & David Hernandez completed the group during our brief stint in Florida. The blood brothers added the bass & percussion to complete the sound of Vampires Everywhere!

Cue trumpets and fanfare!!! Oh wait, this is supposed to be a grim and foreboding tale. My apologies.

The crew was hungry with an insatiable thirst capable of destroying an unforgiving crowd.

You do realize this sentence makes no fucking sense whatsoever, right? Probably not otherwise you wouldn't be around to torture an unforgiving crowd with no tolerance for scenekids and shitty music.

My vision of darkness had found completion in this group oh loving, hating, hungry and undeniably talented, loyal followers. The mood was now set for a revolution in music.

Except for the fact that there were a hundred other metalsynthcore bands out there by the time you showed up. They just weren't inspired by the Twilight Lost Boys. A gimmick does not a revolution make, Doctor Teeth.

It is now time to take the scene’s clean-cut, “Disney” image and shed some blood on it … my way.

Oh good. You called it a scene. At least there is some honesty here for once. But my vision of clean cut does not include whoosh hair, tattoos to the neck and gauges.

The world will discover a new savior in our sound and we all shall use a new name to provide humor in anarchy: Vampires Everywhere! Inspired by the comic book in The Lost Boys movie. The concept and revolution has begun … and love it or hate it, its here to stay. I was undead before the trend & shall remain so forever.

This would be an awe inspiring speech usually found in epic movies up until the part where you say the name was based off of a comic book in a 1980's vampire movie. I'll check back on you in 10 years to see how going back to living in your mommy's house with the heater turned off because you're too broke to pay the bill is turning out. Oh and I think there was a typo. It should read I was into the undead before the trend and will still continue to collect Twilight trading cards for awhile until the trend goes away.



The Ranter said...

Wow, Rob. I feel ashamed now because I just got through reading a vampire novel!

Rob Liz said...

Meh you're alright as long as it wasn't Twilight. It wasn't was it?:P